changing how I pray and the focus of my desires

Wow, October was a long time ago. I don't even know what happened to the time though, it has seriously just flown by.

I don't even know how to 'catch up' for the lost 5 months.... so I'm not sure I'm even going to try. There is one thing, mind you, that I simply have to share.

Caleb Henry Chursinoff is THE most adorable and perfect baby I have ever laid eyes on, and I am the most blessed Auntie JJ in the entire world! I just cant get enough of the lil guy.

The real reason why I am feeling compelled to write tonight though, is that I have had a lil revelation. It may not mean anything, or seem like much to you. But it really hit my heart this evening.

For the past couple months I have just been feeling kind of dry, frustrated and stuck. Then with lil Caleb being born, I kinda felt like a became an emotional wreck for a week and a bit. Which I felt super guilty for, because here is my sister... having gone through labor, taking care of a new baby, getting a little less sleep than normal, having a million people over to visit all the time... and she handled it like a rock star. What an incredible new mother. It just blows my mind! Her life has completely changed and she has just shifted into a super-mom overnight. There are no words for me to express how beautiful it has been to watch her and Blake make this transition. From my perspective it has been utterly seamless.

Me, on the other hand, CHAOS!

I am an incredibly selfish and self-centered person.

Let me tell you why.

For the past few years, there is nothing I have wanted more than to be in a relationship, to fall in love. It hasn't happened. I think about it all the time. I complain about it too. I ask God "why" all the time. And in the years since graduating high school I have probably been to about 20 weddings. And now all these incredible couples I know are starting to have children. And I am so SO excited for them, don't doubt that. But at the same time, every time I see an "I'm engaged" status, receive a wedding invitation in the mail, get an "I'm pregnant!!!" phone call, or view pictures of any/all of these wonderful exciting occasions on facebook... I feel like a little piece inside of me is slowly dying. I feel stuck, as though I am not moving forward in life. My sister reminded me the other day... Of course you're moving forward Jacquelyn! Your path in life is just different than mine. (truth)

At times it feels as though my sad little heart is being squeezed so hard that it can't even function anymore. I hate to admit this, but I did cry myself to sleep one night raging at God asking "WHY!? why are you letting me feel like this? why won't you give me what I want? why do I have to watch other people experience such immense joy and the fulfillment of their hearts desires while I sit here hurting. it isn't fair. I have been good. I deserve better. I deserve more. where are you? why don't you see my pain? why don't you change things." And still nothing changes and I feel myself becoming bitter and hopeless, even though I KNOW there is hope. I don't want to settle for anything but what God has in store for me. But for some reason, although I do trust him fully, I am not acting like I trust him in this area of my life.

This evening I attended a church service in Langley and was wonderfully challenged by what I heard. Perhaps this is not what the speaker had planned for me to take away from the evening... but I am so thankful for what I took from it.

It was a sermon from Isaiah 37, about Hezekiah, the king of Judah. The Assyrians were conquering the Isrealites left, right and center. Sennacherib sent a letter to Hezekiah telling him "do not let the god you depend on deceive you when he says 'Jerusalem will not be handed over to the king of Assyria' Surely you have heard what the kings of Assyria have done to all the countries, destroying them completely. And you will be delivered?"

So there was Hezekiah, left feeling utterly hopeless. It was true, he had seen how the Assyrians had totally wiped out so many other countries. He had reached the end of his rope. And he came before God... laid the letter from Sennacherib out on the ground in the temple... sharing it with God in the way I would share a discouraging letter with a friend if I needed help or advice.

The most interesting thing though, is that Hezekiah does not cry out "Lord save me. Help me. I don't want to die. I want to win. I want to be the last man standing" He doesn't really seem to care about himself at all.

Instead he prays "Oh Lord Almighty, God of Israel, enthrone between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the Kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, O Lord and hear; open your eyes, O Lord, and see; listen to all the words Sennacherib has sent to insult the living God. It is true, O Lord, that the Assyrians kings have laid waste tall these peoples and their lands. They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed them, for they were not gods at all but only wood and stone fashioned by human hands. Now, O Lord, deliver us from his hand, so that all the kingdoms on the earthmay know that you alone, O Lord, are God"

See... he starts out by praising. Telling God how amazing He is. How high, and mighty, and sovereign He is. Hezekiah is appalled that Sennacherib would speak of God this way and so cries out to God saying 'don't you see how this man is trying to take you down God? how he thinks you are nothing? don't you care that he is blaspheming your name? that he thinks you are like the idols of those other countries? of course those countries fell beneath the army of the Assyrians, they put there trust in wood and stone carvings made by human hands. But you, God, are THE ONLY GOD.' Not once in this prayer does Hezekiah ask to be saved because he thinks he deserves it, nor does he ask for God to save them for his sake, for his kingdom. It is almost as though he doesn't even care about what he outcome is for him and his men. He only cares that the Name of the Lord may be glorified, honored and known by all mankind.

The majority of my prayers are selfish. Asking God for things that I want, desire and feel (hope) that I deserve. How often do I even start my prayers off my telling God how wonderful he is? Not very often. I do end with a 'thank you' but thats sometimes it.

I am setting this as a challenge for myself now. I know that God knows how I feel about wanting to 'move forward' in my life. He knows it before I even say anything.... and I have told him many many times, and thought it even more. So no more whining and complaining. I am only here on this earth by the grace of God. Who am I to say that I know how my life should look while I am here? I need to have trust and faith in God, that he does have a purpose for THIS moment in my life. If I waste this time just being a big baby... how is that going to help accomplish anything for the Glory of God? it isn't, its as simple as that. And isn't that the whole reason for why I'm here? to share the love of God and show others the way to Him? How would anyone believe me that God is so great when I am so consumed by pity party for my own selfish, needy desires? It isn't a convincing or appealing thing at all.

I'm sorry that you have to see this ugly side of me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the way I have been acting, but this isn't going to be an easy transition to make.... from the fear into faith. From hopelessness, to awe of God. I welcome your prayers and accountability. I am not saying that it is wrong to have desires and dreams. But it is important to look at the motivation behind those desires. Up till now I think my desire to be in a relationship was 100% selfish. It was only about me and what I want, it was becoming an idol. It is not wrong for me to desire relationship, but wouldn't that relationship be a hundred million times better if it was to bring glory to God instead of just simply to bring me pleasure and happiness?

This is my new desire: to be more concerned about how God is perceived, understood and known by the world, to look at how what I can do can bring glory to God and joy to others instead of just happiness to myself and to praise Him whole-heartedly with the awe and reverence He deserves.